The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
