You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dignity is for republicans.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
