.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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