hell yes lets make some ravioli
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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