Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
