so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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