Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
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