Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
