Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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