Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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