Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
