Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
