Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
