i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
