i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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