i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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