why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
