I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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