so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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