hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
