just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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