to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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