just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
