I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
