I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
