I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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