he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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