Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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