PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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