Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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