guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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