We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
