"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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