his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
