This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
