im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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