we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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