I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Blood and glitter go together right?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
