I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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