you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
