Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Text me some of your sweat
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
