I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
