Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize
