I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
