Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
