I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
