direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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