it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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