Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
