if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Fuck me I smell like cheese
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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